we have officially lost it.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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