It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
