Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
