I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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