I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
