dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
