I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
wat bout pragnant strippers??
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
