remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
