you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
