im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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