There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
