The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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