I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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