Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
