apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
