how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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