: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
