Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
