I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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