Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize