we made out on top of his cat.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
