best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
