if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
