i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
