What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
