the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
