I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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