so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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