He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
