I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
