I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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