if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize