a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
