I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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