Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
