they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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