He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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