You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think i have two assholes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am midnight drunk by noon
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize