Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
