I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
