This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
