My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
