you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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