Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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