Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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