Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
