the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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