when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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