I met the friendliest cop last night
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize