it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
did i just pee glitter
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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