I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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