im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize