the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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