there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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