i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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