I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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