She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Semen is not good for contacts.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
