My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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