im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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