It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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