I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
