the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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