maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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