My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
