Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
