the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
