i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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