Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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