i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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