I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize