So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
