Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
birth control should be required to get into college
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
