That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
