I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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