life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i will never coherently bang her
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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